What's with these Auto drivers in this city???

There's only one sub species among homo sapiens that makes me have no mercy, that makes me pull out my hair, that makes me snarl and growl, that makes me want to turn into a godzilla or a king kong and stamp, and stomp and romp around till their mechanical contraptions turn into tin pancakes - the homo sapiens autodrivers.

Seriously - what's with these auto drivers in this city?

Any instance where I have had to hitch an auto ride has been a disturbance to at least one neuron in my brain, let me quote the various instances and make my case:

Problem 1:

This sub species (because they are obviously a class apart from the rest of humanity) indulges in herding up and mooing out non-sense at someone pointing out that the amount they have quoted for a trip of two kilometers can be paid to buy and install 3 meters which would glare the right fare for this trip on their rickety ride.

Problem 2:

They use their rear view mirrors not to look at on-coming traffic but to size up the passenger in the rear seat.

Problem 3:

Any suggestion made on the speed at which they take you from A to B either falls on deaf ears or earns you the looks. They, like us, grew up with the dream to place some space shuttle like Discovery into it's orbit, the non-fulfillment of which makes them jet set on the roads till you brace yourself to the painted and rusted bars on the contraption and sing "Nearer my God to thee, Nearer to thee each day".

Problem 4:

The day you take the rick, you need to look deserving enough to pay anywhere close to the right fare. If you are sporting an attire modest by their standards, something that helps you blend and make you look deserving of their mercy, you might end up having some luck. It is as if they can sense the zeroes that followed the number which baffled you while you coughed up the amount you paid for those expensive- looking clothes, that expensive - smelling perfume, that expensive - looking make-up, that expensive anything. They make you pay up for your gross vanity and make you feel guilty that you sported one or a combination of those artifacts. You could pay up for those, why not for the extravagant fare on this marvel of modern living.

Problem 5:

They refuse to take U-turns; God forbid you need to reach the other side. You are better of walking, limping, crawling to the other side than requesting the omnipotent auto driver to take a U-turn.

Problem 6:

Peak traffic, One-ways, Night time. You think you are not responsible for the creation of any of these obstacles. But you forget you were the crook who voted (or refused to vote) the government into power which built the infrastructure on which are established the road traffic rules by the officials and the authorities that the government you elected are responsible for. Mea Culpa, Guilty again!! The subspecies makes you pay for that crime. And that beautiful rhyme "Twinkle, Twinkle little star" thats the only thing to give you company while you draw out straight hundreds to pay for a night-time odyssey.

Problem 7:

Not using the meter to charge you the fare. The device, fitted to each of these torments which shows the passenger about a fraction of the amount they end up paying for the ride, is reduced to an instrument to mock science in the face and make mathematics the butt of laughter by this greater sub species. The honest machine and the ripped passenger share the same haggard look once they are through with the ride. The honest passenger is left haggard by the mathematical equation that doesn't throw out a constant to link the number on the machine and the number on the currency notes. The machine is left in despair by how it's meticulous exactness (which in some cases has been thoroughly manipulated) in showing a cumulative fare, was completely ignored.

Problem 8:

The one of a kind mutation: homo sapiens honest auto driver. Once in a million rides you'll come across this variant who charges you the right fare and actually takes ten bucks less from the number he quoted because a new flyover has cut short the distance from A to B and he wasn't aware of it being open. This variant apologizes for his lack of awareness, and instead of taking you through the small lanes to make a one kilometre ride feel like ten times the distance on the time and space co-ordinates, actually sticks to the shortest distance between the two points- the straight line.

Why is this variant a problem- he rekindles hope that this super subspecies is actually not that bad. There are traces of the good crop left. With your belief in the super subspecies reinstated you take the next ride to realize soon enough that you had been spell bound by the mutation, you had actually forgotten the fraction- pay attention- that man was ONE in a Million. You'll have to take as many rides to receive the boon again.

With the hope that you and I will be blessed at least once in our lifetimes with the gift of a pleasant auto ride, and with wishes for a very bright and pleasant new year ahead, lets battle it out and face them with new grit and vigor!

God Bless - Happy New Year!!!